I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
