Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
