I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
