You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
