someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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