does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
