i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
