I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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