i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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