So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Send help, water and tortillas.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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