After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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