My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
