She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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