Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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