did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
