I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
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