The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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