Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
