I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
