nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
