i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Randomize
