Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Randomize
