Don't EVER smell your tampon
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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