I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Randomize
