my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Randomize
