My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I wish there were birth control emojis
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
