It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
