matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
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