she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
The Olympian is in my bed
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
