I wish my penis had an off switch
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
