According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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