my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
