shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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