ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
