So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
We left the knife in your bed.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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