do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
