I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
