Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
