by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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