omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
