six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
