I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
