i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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