I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
it's like heaven, but drunker
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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