my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
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