I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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