I could make wine with my vomit
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
