non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
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