Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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