so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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