It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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